Heartbroken Once Again.

After putting myself out there I have been defeated once again.

Through the years I have explored, listened, learned.  I have tried to remain non-judgemental, open minded, and willing to try new things.

Hedonism, LGBT, open relationships, sexploration, unconditional love. These are all things I incorporated into my life.

Human beings crave love and attention. We want affection, unconditional love, and comfort with another human. We just aren't built to be alone, extrovert or introvert, we crave love.

I let my guard down and gave unconditional love but still for whatever reason, held onto fear and doubt. I struggled with a rebound relationship (me being the rebound) and sat back and tried to let things flow and develop naturally.

I learned some things that shook me, and I tried to push through the things I thought I could ignore and compromise. I didn't want to be alone just because I was unwilling to budge, I didn't want to be the judgemental hard ass.

But some secrets, ones that are carried by years and years of shame and hypocrisy, they just cannot be overlooked.

What I discovered was shocking and really threw me. I didn't understand why. I was hurt, frustrated, and betrayed. I just couldn't let it continue.  What is a pattern in someones life will always remain a pattern until the person addresses it, and deals with the pain or shame that created the pattern.  This is something most people just cannot do, and I am not willing to be an emotional martyr.

I now am right back where I started, laying broken in a pool of self pity and sadness, wondering if there is any possibility of meeting a human being capable of complete and total honesty and vulnerability... and of course when I say that, I mean someone that I am also physically attracted to and could have an intimate and long-term relationship with...

The bar just keeps dropping, and as time goes on I become more hardened, distrusting, skeptical, and frustrated. The baggage everyone carries takes it's toll and wears us all down over the years.  At this point in my life, the only growth I will achieve is going to be done alone.
Isolation is hard, painful, frustrating, and drives you crazy.

And now I'll continue my journey. I'll do it alone.