Aug 29, 2014

Air Travel & Children: NOT COMPATIBLE

Here I am again, touching on one of the very sensitive subjects that frustrate parents and air travelers alike, and I'm unable to get the smell of farts and shit out of my nose which is actually driving me to vomit into my mouth so I can't even write this article.
please excuse me.

I finally got up and the flight attendant took pity on me, thank GOD.
Recently quit smoking, my sense of smell is already heightened after only a short time. On top of that fact, something parents tend to get numb towards, is the concept of bodily fluids and smells. Pee, poo, puke, snot, saliva, and of course in the later years... you know.
However, for NON parents, people who don't babysit and people who generally don't like being around anyone under the age of majority, well... We just aren't USED TO the smell of FARTS and SHIT and DIARRHEA holy smokes.

Now listen up parents, as I'm sure you're well aware, nobody likes the thought of little kids on an airplane! It's all around unpleasant for even the most patient and tolerant people. Screaming and crying (often as a result of the change in pressure, or just plain boredom), kicking the seat, having to get up and wander, making NOISE (FUCK THAT NOBODY ON A PLANE LIKES NOISE. Not baby noise, kid noise, loud headphones, drunk passengers, arguing couples or overly chatty people.) Since you're aware of this, PLEASE, use your head! Avoid unnecessary air travel with young children, and if you must, prepare yourself! Bring all the shit it takes to keep that overgrown fetus in a state that will not cause unnecessary stress on the people around you! Yes, we feel sorry for you when you're stuck with that embarrassing and stressful situation, but we are also pissed off and grumpy because you helped put us in the situation we avoided ourselves. If your kid is insanely annoying or has regular temper tantrums, for petes sake SEDATE THE LITTLE FUCKER! Childrens gravol should work. If not, I would recommend chloroform. Just a little bit on a napkin over his mouth. That should do it.

Now I apologize for the harshness of this post, but please try to look at this situation from the first person perspective and see if you cannot fathom having these feelings. If not, then you have no empathy and fuck off.
Yes, I am empathetic, however I will justify my rage by stating that I do not believe it's fair for anyone to suffer for someone else's choice/mistake. AKA why put me through hell because YOU had children? I didn't. I made very specific choices in my life to avoid being in the situation dealing with loud, stinky and vicious brats around me. I don't care if you think your kid is any different. I don't want any part of it.

***Except you, Annie, if you ever shit out a kid I promise I will love it more than any other kid in the world. Just don't leave it with me unless you die.***

Now I have more flights to tolerate including a VERY long international flight from YYZ - MXP (thanks Air Canada for the new direct route to Italia! About bloody time!) so I'm praying that people don't decide that Milan is a tourist hotspot for families, and keep my 9 hour flight quiet and baby bodily fluid free!

I'm going to go throw up my pretzels, now. Damn. I can't believe how ill I feel from that stink. FYI, baby powder DOES NOT remove any unpleasantries surrounding the SMELL OF SHIT.

AIr Travel and Children part 2.

Quitting smoking wasn't easy, but thanks to Champix it has been manageable. Unfortunately, screaming babies tends to take away from that... and although I ADORE travel and I find the journey from point A to B is half the fun, but with my ex-smoker self is struggling.

I seem to have lost track of time, trying to avoid thinking about it or anything related to moments when I would reach for a cigarette. Avoiding "stepping out", having time after I eat, driving is tough. I am hungrier, damnit, I don't need to gain any weight... so yea, I'm running out of time. I suppose in general, everyone is. But I have been crunching my time, stressing myself out in other ways to avoid smoking, and maybe losing my head a little bit.

I barely made my flight YYC - YYZ and was in a bit of a panic. I forgot to take my Champix in the morning, and I dropped my damn pills in the isle in front of me, and you know how these aisles are. They are nowhere to be found. Sigh...

And as we were taking off, I hear a newborn baby screaming with all it's lung capacity, piercing my poor damaged ear drums. It's a 4 hour flight... I pray that I don't have much more smell and noise, and then I have my YYZ - MXP flight, excited to see this one! Frankfurt flight tends to have a lot of bullshit and ignorant parents (see my previous post about children and air travel)
And another side effect that is making my air travel less tolerable, my heightened sense of smell. IT's not so bad as babies shitting themselves, but I swear I can smell every single leak of gas from ones buttcheeks.
Babies just smell worse ...
I sure could use a smoke. I'd rather smell that then the excrement of some ladies boob coming from a mini humans asshole.
Sigh. That's enough for now.