Nov 22, 2000

Diary of My 18th Birthday

*recovered parts of a diary, and scanned the ONLY photograph I have of myself then.*

Begin Journal entry:

Well, yesterday was my birthday. It wasn't all THAT great.
Kate put up signs for me :) that made me smile... She gave me a "car" and a condom. Hee hee!
I told her X we were lesbians... She kind of got mad, I don't blame her.
I got free smokes. I skipped French & English class. I went to Cam Fongs for coffee. K8 came over for dinner and I got a parcel from my mom. I got a sk8! [skateboard] Yeah!!
That made my day!
But when I went for bed, Aunt D. put some more nice words about my 'slutty behavior' and that I"m promiscuous and a slut. I found out she spies on me, she went through my garbage, God she destroyed me. I went to [social services]... I need to go back and make an appointment. *at this point I was trying to live on my own, no job of course. I was a smart teenager.*
I rode my Sk8 to the bus this morning, and I skipped french AGAIN. I have a test tomorrow so I can't skip. I did a huge math test, 1.5 hours of leaning over 5 pages of arithmatic & geometric sequences. I went slow, but I flew. We're going onto [calculus]. that I'm vaguely aware of, so that's good. I'm tired and my back kills! English is kinda fun, I mean, with this 1982 war going on "down with abbie" and all.
Cadets, I got busted smoking man did I get in big shit! I hope I still have a chace for a promotion... I'm packing some stuff up to go to staceys place friday night. I'm still grounded because of kitt's party. Gay. I'm supposed to meet Dim at Cam fong's at noon tomorrow, and I need to do some other shit. Sunday I'm going to Penticton with Dustin, he got me something for my bday too! Cool, eh? And in 3 days (Saterday) it's Manu's bday. Well, one more night (aside from 2nite) and I'm out in the world, back into my cycle of suffering. I hate this man, this sucks. I'm cutting my hair and peircing my nose on Friday. So it's all good.
No aunt on my ass. Fuck she was pissing me off. I hate how she flourishes cutting me down. I swear she enjoys it, it makes her feel good or something. God only knows. I wish he's clue me in on some stuff, though!
God watchover me keep me safe.
Let me pass through heavens gate.
Should I fall behind in life
Help me see that I'm not bad
Tell the world I'm not bad
I don't want to be bad
No more bad... I love my mom :(

Nov 23rd

I went to school today (wow) and that FUCKING math test I only got 63 fucking %. Fuck. I almost cried, I'm so disappointed. I went to Desert Sun (counselling) and applied for couselling. I need help. I hate my life. I wanted to cut my wrists because of the 63% in my test. I didn't though. I'm not getting promoted either, because of whatever. I wrote to Manu again. I find it easy to write in french. Si j'avais ecrit en francais, ma tante n'aurais lit pas mes notes a Nicolas ou Homey. I don't really want to go to Carrie's party tomorrow, I want to go to the concert with Manu. Nope. I can't. 5$ short. You need cash to breathe nowadays.
I'm going to have to find another career path, I suck in Math. And I suck at everything. My carelessness with life is shitty and I'm going to die of AIDS or a drug/alcohol overdose at a junkie's crack party. What an awsome future! Life sucks. God ain't helping me out no more. He's up to the usual "send of humour". Only reason he gave me my aunt is because he thought it 'd be funny to keep me alive. Ouch my heart hurts. Jenny hates me, and so does my aunt. They look at me in disgust... I don't know what to do anymore. I hate this. I can't handle it anymore. I think I should just give up *SIGH* I can't even keep a boyfriend. Chris didn't even last a month. I'm still in love with Jeff, and I dreamt about him last night. I have to talk to him in person. Last time my dream got twisted around >:( So this time, I'm going to do it differently. I'm gonna call him then talk to him.
"A year ago I met the most beautiful human being alive"
I hate being in this home, my opinions overruled and insulted. I can't do anything up to the standards therefore I continuously fuck up giving my aunt reasons to scream at me. I also have "started a rumour" that Jenny is Belimic. So yea, I am losing all first impressions of this family. I know Jen & D have a lost world of their own where thy're happy and perfect and they can laugh at everyone who isn't as perfect as them.
Well, I cannot write anymore at this moment. Wish me luck with my move. Only thoughts of the snow queen pageant and how to impress people rush my mind.

Nov 27
God, life is confusing.
Stacey's home is kind to rest but there's so much else, school, scott... wow. lots there! wow. He made me pass out. goes to show wicked things come in small packages. skates, scotts, sex, and stuff. Cool shit eh? well, i'm tired, i'll keep up later k? cyall.

Nov 30
I fucking hate life.
No income assistance for me. Thanks mom! I would have gotten assistance if my mom said I can't come home >:( but she said "yes". So I'm drinking beer. MMMMM I NEED IT.
School 2morrow. I wanted to go to Ontario, but scott needs me. I'll go as soon as he fucks me over. Everone else does, why is he any diff? He ain't I'm sure... I love my mom but she doesn't understand. Life is hard. I hate it. I can't take anymore. It all sucks. I never thought I'd die alone... but life sucks anyway.

i'm so sorry,
i was wrong
let me apologize
i want to see you again
i just needed to try
i'm not bad
just let me see your eyes
please give me another chance
i'll always love you
now i turn my back
tears stream down my face
and i walk away

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