Jan 26, 2014

Stuck in Canada

It's hard to explain how I feel to other people, the "normals". Those people who think travel is a "phase".
For me, being in Canada is just a transit. It's waiting for the next adventure.
I can't sit still or I begin to suffer from anxiety and depression, losing my sense of self, sense of purpose, and generally feeling useless or like I am wasting away.

I had such a round of bad luck this last go about. I had my bag stolen in Italy. Don't nod your head and pretend that you know why ... I was in a small town, in a safe area. It's NOT normal for cars to get broken into any more than it is in Calgary. Shit happens, that's all. Anyway, in that bag, or carry on bag is more appropriate, I had EVERYTHING VALUABLE TO ME.
I had just changed hotels and shoved everything into the duffle bag. My beautiful Ed Hardy bag with a big tiger on it.
I had my purse (which contained credit cards, drivers license, about 500 Euro, and some other personal effects). I had my diary from the last 2.5 years, one of those one line a day things and I had actually been keeping it up! I had my Agenda for 2013-2014 with all my business cards, numbers, insurance info, appointments, income, EVERYTHING personal. I had my address book. My Italian journal where I had been writing songs and letters in Italian since 2006. I had 2 travel kits I'd made, one for air travel and one for train travel. Scrapbooking stuff. A photo wallet with all those high school pics and family photos that never happened digitally. Fuck me. I had Leda, my stuffed giraffe who has been traveling with me all around the world and even had her own Facebook page (since 06 as well). A few books. Writing and teaching supplies. Chargers, sunglasses, jewelry... about 3k worth of jewelry in fact.
Everything in the world you could imagine that is irreplaceable. Gone.
That incident put me back 1 month financially. Then I had issues going into Thailand. Ended up having to pay for my luggage, 560 Euro to get it out of the Milan Airport. *thanks a lot Thai air, you jerks, I had Star Alliance gold status for years you couldn't let this ONE TIME slide on a half empty fucking airplane? JESUS MIDDLE AGED CHRIST) I should have taken it as a sign NOT to go to Thailand.
I had to ship one suitcase, just so happened to be the one with EVERYTHING I NEEDED INSIDE IT. I spent 5 weeks waiting for it to arrive, and I ended up finally paying ANOTHER 250$ duty and picking it up at the airport ON MY WAY OUT OF BANGKOK. At least I had my trekking gear for Nepal.. Sigh.
I ended up coming home for the holidays.
now 3 months behind in my budget, I allotted a couple grand to splurge for xmas and New Years just to not be miserable. I left my dog in Thailand with my elephant camp friends and flew through Canada, onward to Ohio for xmas with a family I'd met in 2009 on a cruise.
Had an awesome time, then managed to book a last minute cruise to Panama Canal for NYE. Also amazing, but I didn't even look at my credit card and figured I'd deal with the consequences upon my return.
Well this is where I stand.
Thousands of dollars behind, I have nothing left to rack up on my credit cards. I'm beyond broke.
My house never sold over the summer/winter. It was "priced too high" and people complained about the paint, carpets, little stupid fucking things like that. So I'm here on a mission.... to DIY renovated my place. Paint refinish the hardwood rip out the crappy carpet and give people NO REASON TO BITCH.
Then I relist my house and get the fuck out of Nashville.
I also have some large furniture pieces to sell, couch/bedroom set/shelves. Thanks to Kijiji this is a realistic possibility.
It just sucks that I am "Stuck". I feel so trapped... I will be selling everything I can to be able to get out of here! Thanks to 10 years of collecting things I have a lot to put on eBay. I don't need STUFF. I need airplane tickets and passport stamps.

This is just who I am. I'm not the kind of person who can sit down and work a 9-5, monotonous daily activity. I feel scared when I wake up "in my own bed". Every time I am driving down deerfoot trail I get an urge to keep going, as far as I possibly can, then I remember I am going to pick someone up, or I have no gas money, or I forgot my passport at home, then I give my head a shake and accept that the next trip will be coming soon and to stay calm.

I LOVE being Canadian. I think my country is the best. I just don't want to be here all the time... June, july and august. That's it. The rest of the time, I love being FROM Canada. This is just who I am.