Oct 25, 2004

so I'm sitting here on my lazy ass, just watching my computer screen and not having a clue what the hell is going on. I'm tired. I have to wake up at 10 in the morning to work, yea, what the hell is that. Job? What? Car payment, VISA, rent, phone bill *fucking long distance my ass there is no such thing as unlimited calling* OH GREAT cellphone! How the hell do you end up with a 500$ phone bill? Jesus. OH my ferret smells. I wonder if I'm even fit to be a mom... I guess I should clean up the poo. Life. Sleep. Time. Don't have any of those anymore... HA HA HA and wouldnt you know it? Just an hour and a half ago I was sitting on the balcony, talking to God. Yea, he's been pretty good to me lately. I think I'm actually getting everything that I want. Nice. HOwever I do question that, what do I want? Correction: What do I actually need. A car? A house? Food? Sun? Clean underwear? I need to be entertained. I sit here an am going nuts because I hate being bored, I feel like it's a waste of time. If I just sit here, the clock will tick away my existence and I'll slowly be dying and not doing a damn thing about it. That concept scares the crap out of me I guess. I would much rather be taking pictures of things, or writing stuff down *wait what am I doing right now* just leave a little imprint for the future so I don't feel like i'll completely vanish off the earth... And I sit. And wait. Do I even have any friends? Am I attractive? Why do I care? Am I rich? Do I wanna be? Then I wonder how the hell people pay their bills and buy a 300$ suit and then manage to pay the insurance company and still have money leftover to get a girl drunk at the bar. I look in my wallet and grin to myself for being so smart, but then I think about people that drive that hummer and fly first class and they don't even have rich parents and how the hell did they get there? How the hell did I get here... Do I have a soulmate? Am I alone? I feel so small. But I realize that I'm happy. I have a guitar and can play a song, I drink a Coke and microwave some ravioli and look at my boa constrictor in the corner and sit down on my queen size bed thinking about school and my future and my car. Then I go burn a CD on my custom PC, and realize I'm OK.

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