Heartbroken Once Again.

After putting myself out there I have been defeated once again.

Through the years I have explored, listened, learned.  I have tried to remain non-judgemental, open minded, and willing to try new things.

Hedonism, LGBT, open relationships, sexploration, unconditional love. These are all things I incorporated into my life.

Human beings crave love and attention. We want affection, unconditional love, and comfort with another human. We just aren't built to be alone, extrovert or introvert, we crave love.

I let my guard down and gave unconditional love but still for whatever reason, held onto fear and doubt. I struggled with a rebound relationship (me being the rebound) and sat back and tried to let things flow and develop naturally.

I learned some things that shook me, and I tried to push through the things I thought I could ignore and compromise. I didn't want to be alone just because I was unwilling to budge, I didn't want to be the judgemental hard ass.

But some secrets, ones that are carried by years and years of shame and hypocrisy, they just cannot be overlooked.

What I discovered was shocking and really threw me. I didn't understand why. I was hurt, frustrated, and betrayed. I just couldn't let it continue.  What is a pattern in someones life will always remain a pattern until the person addresses it, and deals with the pain or shame that created the pattern.  This is something most people just cannot do, and I am not willing to be an emotional martyr.

I now am right back where I started, laying broken in a pool of self pity and sadness, wondering if there is any possibility of meeting a human being capable of complete and total honesty and vulnerability... and of course when I say that, I mean someone that I am also physically attracted to and could have an intimate and long-term relationship with...

The bar just keeps dropping, and as time goes on I become more hardened, distrusting, skeptical, and frustrated. The baggage everyone carries takes it's toll and wears us all down over the years.  At this point in my life, the only growth I will achieve is going to be done alone.
Isolation is hard, painful, frustrating, and drives you crazy.

And now I'll continue my journey. I'll do it alone.

STOP FUCKING CALLING ME. Please text. :-)

I've noticed a trend with people over the age of 40, and I am beginning to suspect my irritation stems from being a xennial/millenial... growing up analogue but adulting digital, I have adapted easily into the smartphone age.

Let me share my rant with you. Please feel free to comment on this! I'd like to know others opinions (and age groups...)

WTF is with people calling randomly? If you're not a telemarketer, get with the times. Recognize that smartphones aren't just a way to touch base, but are used as personal computers by most of the modern population. Your unexpected phone call can disrupt a conversation, a meeting, an email, a heated "text", reading the newspaper, a meditation, listening to the radio, you name it, your unannounced phone call is probably interrupting it. Please don't call me unless you text me first EVEN IF IT'S IMPORTANT. I can read and answer text quicker than I can answer a disruptive call anyways! K THANX BYE ~Millenials & Xennials.

I'd like to also comment that this rant stems from the fact that we no longer use telephones strictly as telephones. If I had a desktop computer strictly for emails and business, a pager strictly for text messages, a landline strictly for calls, if dating was not virtual and only ever getting to know someone over coffee, if I got the new from a newspaper, and entertainment from a TV, my music from a walkman or the radio, and if I only got a chance to visit friends walking down the street or shopping at the supermarket, then by all means call away! But my cellphone has replaced ALL of these things, so it's not just calling me anymore. It's potentially interrupting all of these. I don't want people to get pissed off at me or this comment, but come to recognize that this is the current reality, and these aren't going away but will be progressing. Until I can turn off the phone portion of my cell without losing accessibility of my other tools, I'll continue to ask that people text instead of calling.

Los Angeles and Acting School?

I have been really throwing myself around lately, trying to figure out what to do with myself. Each birthday that passes it gets a little more shameful that I have no clue what direction to go, because I'm supposed to be all grown up now, right?

I have travelled the world and lost the inclination to be a responsible adult, growing my desire to learn and feed my curiosity.  I can't seem to sit still, but I know I have to.

I decided to finally push forward and book an audit in some acting classes at a school in LA, and really I was going there for a party but that was just the excuse...  I booked my flight, and contacted as many of my American friends as humanly possible to try and make it the most fulfilling 10 days possible... I was going to LA for 10 days and it was going to be AMAZING.

I have to admit, in that time, I did consume a lot of alcohol. I also learned that LA is just a really big Vancouver... full of wannabe artists/actors, people who really don't care who you are but they care who you know.  Flaky fuckers who can't seem to hold down plans, and cancel or ghost you on the regular.  In Vancouver, it's called "getting vancouver'd" but in LA, it's just normal.  You obviously don't have important enough celebrity friends to be able to make that lunch date.
It really doesn't matter who you are. Unless you are SOMEBODY. Or you KNOW someone... But that IMDb number had better be in the top 5000, or else "sorry I fell asleep" will be the most common response you hear!

I guess I really didn't have any expectations, but the shallowness of the people I encountered was mind boggling. I cannot stand people who start a conversation with "so, who ARE you? Or who do you know?" I try to ignore the nice ones who instinctively comment on "so I went for lunch with Mel Gibson the other day" knowing that they aren't name dropping and arrogant by nature, but simply because the Los Angeles culture forces them to be that way. I've never been the kind of girl who gushes in awe when someone drops a name... So I smile politely and say "that's nice" and try to get the conversation back onto the topic of lunch and their trip to Hawaii.

I can't help but silently tell myself "sheesh, if only they knew."  I subconsciously start counting how many people I have seen naked and wonder how many IMDb stars they'd be worth... shake my head and laugh to myself, knowing that the day I die and my journals are released to the public, man it sure will be a good story.  I reminisce on some of the good memories, some of the naughty ones.  And then I wonder once again how people can be so obsessed and insistent on letting you know how they're friends with the cousin of Nicolas Cage or they met someone one time at a lineup at starbucks... cuz really, who cares? How is that affecting you and I right now, in the moment we have?  I just want to enjoy a nice glass of prosecco and people watch, fantasize, and dream about the things I want to do this summer...

But this is LA. That's how it goes.  If I do end up going to school here, or spending any amount of time here, I sure will have to learn patience and to bite my tongue. I can imagine it would be relatively easy to be dragged down into the celeb gossip pool.  I guess I've never really been interested in the private lives of people I don't know (or don't care to know...)

Now I'm having those dreams. Those desperate housewife dreams.  Am I gonna end up like that?  I just wanted to learn the craft, and to tell a story... I have bigger and better things to do than boast about my car and jewels ... sigh ...
But you know, a sugar daddy WOULD be nice...

I had a blast in LA.  I did spend WAY too much time alone, and getting annoyed by Tinder men.  The speed in which men send dick pics in the USA is astounding compared to back home, where people usually have to be drunk to disgust/shock/sexually assault the eyes of strange young women.

So I'm going back to LA, you know. I already booked my flight.

I have no idea what I'm doing, and don't really know why.  But there is a light that is catching my eye and that fire burning in my soul, since I've already done the Vancouver thing, LA is the next best method of self-torture.  Why not!  Wish me luck...