May 12, 2016

#UNLIT - FTM breakup - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

WOW What a dramatic and painful year I've been through!  The last 6 months being exceptionally stressful and depression inducing.

Mainly, this is what I'm referring to...  I spent a lot of time over the last 6 months an FTM transguy (something that just kind of happened) and learned a lot about the community, advocating to support those in need (which I still do) and if you read my previous post you will see how passionate about it I am.

I've also learned that I am very content in a transgender relationship, that I am able to be sexually satisfied without the use of a flesh penis, and I plan to publish a video for anyone who's interested to learn about that particular journey.

Now the sad part:

I decided to jump into a relationship with Liam an FTM who pursued me/asked me out.

To clarify: I consider myself to be a very sexual, heterosexual CIS gender female. I am attracted to males, I enjoy sex, and have recently explored the possibility of an open relationship.  In order to have a successful open relationship - you need TRUST and HONESTY first and foremost! I intend to write about poly relationships in the future in more detail for information.

Being asked out by a transman, FTM, I was unsure of what to expect so I did ask if he would be willing to carry out an open relationship since I am hetero and there are certain "parts" missing...  He agreed, but we never did talk about it or clarify. In the end, this was a big mistake.

I gave it a try because I felt a lot of empathy for him as he was struggling through hard times in Vancouver (we both did) but as it turned out, there was a lot of dishonesty to be had.

One of the patterns that was most prominent was lying... He had a tendency to tell outrageous lies to me, and to others.  He would story tell about how he grew up, challenges in his life, even made up stories of being attacked!  His favourites were plagiarizing music and wild ex girlfriend breakups like "she told me I wasn't a real man" and "she sent me videos of her fucking a guy" which I found out were not true at all, and he's still friends with his exes...
I figured this was because of the life of a transgender person clearly can be difficult.  So many challenges being yourself, so much insecurity.  There are a lot of issues with being open and true to yourself when you have so much fear wrapped around it.
Not everyone has support on their journey. I assumed his habitual lying was because of a life time of trauma, but there were much deeper seeded issues leaning towards sociopathic tendencies. I'm sure you'll all see red flags as we go on much before I ever noticed them.

He had quite a bad temper. He lashed out often... especially when he was caught in a lie. I tried to justify FOR him (stupid girl I am) that it was just because of his hormones. I found him to be really immature even though he was 24, he acted a lot younger, so I tried to tell myself "it's just puberty it's all new be patient..." I wasn't used to dealing with someone who had such a short temper and so moody, again I assumed it was just "part of the process" so I put up with it.  This hurt me, but I really wanted to work on getting his confidence and trust issues taken care of to hopefully guide him into the ability to be honest.  I believed with enough support and love he would learn to love himself.  I think he does, but the lack of guilt for his actions and the learned "if I say sorry it's OK that I do shit" as an auto-response to confrontation proved that he really doesn't feel remorse.  After 6 months it became progressively worse instead of better.

Now here I am not sure if this is related to mental issues as a human, or learned defence mechanisms as a transgender, but nonetheless it was unhealthy.  I am not trying to say that trans people often have mental disorders, I'm just talking about my experience and how I tried to justify his hurtful actions.
Transgender people have the highest rate of suicide in the world. There are known challenges with the life path and all I wanted to do was make his path easier...
He also made up stories to try and impress people, saying things that were completely untrue and wild. For example when we first met he claimed he grew up overseas and had never seen snow or experienced Christmas, leading me to spend a few thousand dollars on an extravagant xmas holiday - which turned out to be a load of shit. I felt really manipulated and stupid, but we passed that hurdle and more work on honesty... yes I'm an idiot this will become clear.
Each time I confronted him on lies, big and small, there would be a letter written, an apology and a sweet gesture to make up for it.  So many "sorry's" that the word honestly lost it's meaning...

I also paid the bills. ALL of them. He had his top surgery which I paid for the travel, hotels, medicine, and coddled him.  While he was in recovery from his top surgery, the nurse had sent me away for the night. At the hotel I found out that he had participated in what he published  as "gay for pay" on and off for at least 2 years, apparently a popular thing in the trans community and he told me there was a lot of peer pressure (I do not know if this is true), and this brought out more lies about his sexual history (claimed he was a virgin, untouched etc... total blatant lie there...) which kind of broke my heart.  I felt ashamed that I didn't see through the very obvious lies...
(this video has since been removed but I did encourage him to put it into his book to inform other trans youth so we will see if he can share his honest story and save other people from doing things that they will regret)
Another long apology, more truth comes out, and I stuck around instead of moving on. I wanted to give him a chance to be comfortable in his own skin, and be who he really was inside...

The lying didn't stop, however.
He continued to lie about minute things, even down to who he was speaking with. Trust was destroyed, and I constantly felt the need to "check" and see what kind of messages were coming to him.  ***Here I would like to point out, I am not a naturally jealous person and I am not comfortable with digging through people's personal shit, the fact that I felt the need to do this put me far out of my comfort zone and created insecurity in my relationship.  ALSO I did not do this without permission. I am not a stalker or a psycho, HE GAVE ME PASSWORDS TO HIS ACCOUNTS TO PROVE HIMSELF.. but he still couldn't maintain honesty. He had given me permission to access his accounts right up until I caught him at the end, and was met with an aggressive backlash)
He often spoke to girls, ex girlfriends, and told stories, even going as far as saying he was single. I am not sure of his motive, but I know he really enjoyed the attention and clearly I wasn't making him feel good enough so he went to seek that elsewhere.

Our time in Vancouver was so traumatizing. I really struggled, but thanks to my student loan, we could afford to survive. Liam promised to pay me back of course. (He owed me nearly 10k and you can guess what happened there... but that's another story).  He had difficulties finding work and often blamed this on being trans, but really it's just the city itself.  He had no computer so he couldn't make music or YouTube videos easily, so he really was held back and I felt sad for him. I wanted to help make his dreams come true... and I really did try.
I will share with you a video we had made (before some of my discoveries) it's good information for FTM + CIS woman sex, please know it's graphic details could be offensive for anyone not interested in this information.

 There were often signs that I was being manipulated and used. I have a track record of taking things at face value, and even going against my gut that I was going to be hurt, I didn't want to give up. I kept convincing myself that he needed help to truly blossom, and I didn't want to leave him without a support system.

Eventually we left the city and had a chance at a new life. I paid for his flight to live with his grandfather, get far away form that city, and start again. Fresh. Honest.  But... well, old habits die hard.
He continued to lie to me (again possible to try and impress me). But I of course figured it out.  I owe a lot of my discovery to my extremely strong sense of empathy. My intuition screamed so loud I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling traumatized, asking him to just tell me whatever it was he was hiding... he never would, so I would find out the hard way, then we would go through that vicious cycle of defensiveness - lashing out - feeling remorse - apology.

Then he was gone. Other side of the country.  And I was alone with just me and my dog... and it really struck me how used to him being around I was. He was there during my trauma, and we had been through so much in such a short time...

After all our time together, I missed him so greatly that I decided to go and visit him shortly after our departure from the city. I had some time to reset and I got so used to having him around, I wanted to see what life would be like in a different setting.
So I booked a flight and surprised him! (I LOVE surprises and romance. BIG TIME. And after being single for so many years, I went overboard in this relationship.)

I brought the remainder of my savings to help set him up. I filled his fridge, got him gifts, got him a computer so he could work on his music. I was so proud of what he was doing, but he couldn't stop lying to me and I didn't understand why.
My theory is that I was no longer making him feel good.
I'm bossy and demanding, that's my personality. I didn't want him to smoke or do anything that would be permanent (also I don't love tattoos but all trans people seem to love them, why is that?) I also don't smoke pot, and when we met he was a huge stoner. Sigh. These are obviously more important than having someone you care about...
I see through his lies, so he was unable to manipulate me. I kept catching him and confronting him. about 4 times in the first week, and mostly of stupid things.
When I caught him in a lie, he would get defensive and lash out. He would get hurtful, then apologize after he cooled down. These are normal behaviours especially for liars, or pathological liars.  I have loved ones who are the same and it's just something you have to look past and ignore.  UNLESS IT HURTS YOU IN THE PROCESS****
But it seemed, normal. Normal reactions.

What's not normal, is how far he took it.
He began to get frustrated and tell stories ABOUT ME to his colleagues at work any time I said something he didn't like to hear. He even got his FAMILY (whom I spent 3 weeks with and they loved me... until I turned my back for the knife to stab me) to hate me, thinking I was a thief and a liar!  This was a great insult... because my character, I'm loving, honest, and loyal. And I would never steal anything from anyone!!!
Gossip or backstabbing someone is, to me, the greatest harm that one can do.
To an enemy, let alone someone you love.
He began to tell his colleagues about things I did (or didn't do), demanded, some true some not, either way, wildly inappropriate. It got to the point where everyone outside of our relationship started to tell him negative things. He began to act on this, rather than talking with me.  He ignored my calls when he was with his colleagues, getting more and more bad feedback and didn't man up and talk to me about it.

Every tiff/fight we had became public free for all to belittle and backstab me. This was insanely hurtful... and shocking... he denied it, but I was very well aware. I still grabbed his phone when I felt that gut feeling that he was doing something to hurt me, and I saw the things that were said.

After my 3 weeks were up, the DAY THAT I LEFT, he started to really stab me in the back.
He began flirtations at work, he continued saying horrible things about me.

One day we had a pretty heated argument. Mostly because I was still aware of what he was saying about me to his coworkers, and he was lying to my face pretending everything was OK.

Example: we would send flirtatious messages, including photos to each other, and he would tell his friends I was harassing them.  They told him to save my messages, go to the police, really dramatic things! And I had NO IDEA.  Still to this day don't know what it was that he said, but he said some really shitty, low things about me. I'm pretty sure it included having 3somes and being a stripper.  Hooray...  He of course lashed out and went right back to the request that we have an open relationship, and called me a whore and accused me of wanting to party and have 3somes.
Well, I'm probably the most boring person of all time, I went out twice in that 6 months to my favourite adult nightclub (WITH LIAM who loved it so that was harsh)...  The fact that he had accepted a relationship with me from the beginning with everything on the table, then used it against me in the end, this was the most hurtful of all.

Anyhow, at the end of the day, I was told "I love you I want to have a future with you" but all through the day this other stuff went on.
He had justified the insults by convincing himself that I was a horrible person, and began creating his list of what was wrong with me. OF course he never once confronted me about it.
To this day, he LAUGHS about our breakup and my openness about it, and still refuses to speak to me.  All I can do is ignore it and wait for time to heal the wounds.

~This is a problem I find with people under 25, guys and girls alike, they don't know how to communicate. They do it all via text message because it's like a shield, and they don't have the balls to confront people on serious issues face to face.  THIS IS TOXIC AND A BAD MOVE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP. I you have issues you NEED TO TALK IT OUT.. not text.  This proved to be the main trigger for "fights" between us.  I highly suggest anyone in a relationship avoid doing any discussions over text/email/messenger because it's one sided and you do not get any feeling or empathy in the conversation. It's too easy to lash out and say things one regrets.

We had embarked on an LDR.  I brought my 5 year old puppy with me, and left him with Liam for company and because I trusted him (big mistake).  He's stolen my dog, changed his number, and has no intention of ever paying me the thousands that he owes me.
He's threatened to go to the police and get a restraining order!!!  And though he tried to tell me in the midst of the insults and belittling me, that he would "never do such a thing", he would be telling his friends at the same time that he's speaking to police etc.  It's been an arduous journey for me, and my mind and body are not taking the toxicity very well.

Me blogging about my experience is pretty shitty, I feel slightly bad about it, but at the same time justified because of how he aired our dirty laundry and made up so much horrible stuff, I feel the need to protect myself and others from future hurt.  I all wanted to do was make someone's life easier, and in turn, I made mine much more difficult.

I have completely backed down aside from my desire to retrieve my fur baby. Stealing my kid? that's a new low.
I am no longer in contact with him, it's been days since we spoke aside from him sending me hurtful messages, threatening and insulting me, and me replying with "how could you do this".  He has only responded to any of my postings on social media with "LOL" and the same manipulative story of "I brought this on myself" which is why I've deleted all of my social media accounts.
I have no idea when 'm going to get my baby back, thought I have already spoken to the authorities it should be a simple task, and even bigger yet, I have no idea how I will heal from all this hurt.  I know I have a road ahead of me that will be sad, lonely, and distracted.

I believe this was my first encounter dating a psychopath/sociopath, someone who does not feel guilt or remorse for their actions, only for getting caught.  I hope to learn from this and I hope others can read my story and pick up on signs to avoid getting into the same situation.

Sadly I am still too trusting, and walking around with so many knives in my back that I don't even know how much longer I will last.  I am so worn down from the last year, and each one of my relationships ended in such agony, the last time I was single for 4 YEARS... This is such a painful exit that I honestly don't know how I will pick up the pieces.

It's been 5 days since I've had a proper meal or sleep, 2 since he lashed out when I confronted him/caught him in his backstabbing, and non stop emotional agony.
The amount of cortisol in my body is creating a lot of physical trauma for me.  My stomach is twisted into knots. I have a permanent headache. I feel nauseated. I can't sleep, and my night terrors are back in full force.  This is a great side effect of being an empath, things cut deeply and pain leaves a long lasting wound, like a paper cut.

Now I have to shake off the pain, the cortisol, the feeling of being used and manipulated. I have to take back my heart that I tried to hard to give freely, and continue my journey without looking back.

Wish me luck.  Thanks for listening to my story.